


Care and Feeding of Your Vigilante Girlfriend

by Frea_O



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/F, Negotiations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 10:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17021304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frea_O/pseuds/Frea_O
Summary: An offhand comment leads to Felicity receiving very strange paperwork in the middle of the day.





	Care and Feeding of Your Vigilante Girlfriend

**Author's Note:**

> Set post Laurel’s death and she's returned with everything delightfully handwaved because who even has time for that? Archiving some Tumblr fic before the Tumblrpocalypse.

“And last but not least,” Felicity’s assistant said as he locked the phone he’d been using to take notes during their daily morning meeting, “this came for you via bike messenger right before I came in here.”

Felicity took the envelope and turned it over, looking for a return address.

“Bike messenger said it was from the District Attorney’s office,” Jas said, smiling as he stood. “It wasn’t marked urgent. I’ll let you know when your eleven o’clock is here and I’ll send in some coffee at the same time.”

“You know that’s not part of your job duties,” Felicity said, looking up from the envelope.

“I don’t mind.” Jas ambled out, leaving Felicity shaking her head.

The moment she was alone in her office, she scrambled for her phone. _Is this vigilante stuff?_ she texted Laurel.

Laurel must have been waiting for her response, for she texted back almost right away (unheard of during office hours, unless she was stuck reading particularly boring briefs): _open it and see. :)_

Felicity ripped the tear-strip away and pulled out a slim sheaf of papers. The top page made her blink and reread it twice to make sure she wasn’t imagining things:

####  **The Care And Feeding Of Your Vigilante Girlfriend, a Manual**

“What the…” Felicity shook her head, but the words never changed. Laurel hadn’t used the DA letterhead, but the page was laid out like some of the memos that Felicity had seen from her office. Felicity picked up the post-it note that had fluttered out of the envelope. On it, in Laurel’s looping handwriting, was written “You said you’d never dated a woman before, so I wrote you a manual. Hope this helps!”

She’d added a winky face.

 _A manual?_ Felicity texted at her. _Seriously?! Is this a sex thing???_

Laurel sent her the cry-laughing emoji back. _Read it and find out!_

Felicity turned the page.

#### Introduction

**Congratulations on acquiring a Vigilante Girlfriend Canary™ Model, v 2.2! If you have received a Canary™ Model v 1.4 in error, please return her either to the Time Idiots® or to Nyssa al Ghul at your earliest convenience. The 2.2 model comes with all the newest amenities, including a newly reclaimed full time job, a well-developed sense of humor, arms and a grip strength optimal for tight hugs, endless wells of patience, a great ass—**

“And amazing modesty,” Felicity said, shaking her head. Laurel had sent a user manual. For herself. It must be a slow day for crime in Star City.

**—and of course the vigilantism add-on. By following this manual carefully, you can maximize the use of your Canary model and discover hours of not-so-family-friendly fun.**

“Goddammit, Laurel, if you sent me a sex manual while I’m at work via bike messenger, I’m blocking all of your shoe sites,” Felicity said, though she couldn’t exactly say she disliked the thought.

Just. There should be some professionalism.

She turned the page and didn’t know what to do with the stab of disappointment that there wasn’t a laundry list of possible sexual exploits on the next page. Maybe table that idea for later, she thought.

#### Guidelines

#### Feeding

**Your Canary is an active model and requires constant sustenance in order to perform at maximum efficiency. Though food can be eaten solitary, your Canary will benefit from social interaction during meals. The Canary is inquisitive and curious about you. She welcomes any of the following topics and more during these shared refueling periods:**

  * Discussion of your day
  * Discussion of work
  * Any and all nerdy subjects*
  * Discussions of close friends, other vigilante models, and family
  * Any subject the user desires



*** The Canary makes no promises she will understand said topics.**

**Interaction during meal times is a strong part of maintaining open and honest communication with your Canary and a private engagement is encouraged on a bi-weekly basis, schedules and the potential apocalypse notwithstanding. In the event of a cancellation, alternate arrangements should be made. The author of this manual suggests ice cream and bad movie nights.**

**A List of Recommended Foods**

  * Dim Sum
  * Veggie Pizza with Extra Olives
  * General Tso’s Chicken
  * Ghirardelli Chocolates
  * White Chocolate
  * Dark Chocolate
  * Milk Chocolate
  * All Chocolate



**Tech tip: Surprising your Canary model with food is never a bad play.**

“This is really subtle,” Felicity said, taking a sip of water and shaking her head. Her stomach growled, and she glared at the page despite how utterly charming she found it. “And now I’m hungry. Thanks, Laurel.”

**You should, of course, make your own food preferences known to your Canary model so that she may reciprocate in kind. She’s a big believer in _quid pro quo_.**

“I just bet she is.”

#### General Care for Your Canary Model: Health and Sleeping

**Your Canary model is in excellent shape in spite of her somewhat questionable diet (no comments from the peanut gallery, the author of this manual has seen what the user orders when she thinks she won’t get caught), but does operate in a highly dangerous work environment and may require some TLC. In return, said model promises not to whine over injuries received as a consequence of Vigilantism.**

**Warning: the same guarantees do not apply in the event of colds, allergies, and other minor illnesses. Canary model v 1.4 has remarked that v 2.2 is “kind of a baby when [she’s] sick,” which v 2.2 feels is unfair given that v 1.4 is like the biggest baby of them all when she gets even so much as a sniffle.**

“Ah, sisterhood,” Felicity said, glad she’d remembered to shut the blinds, so her assistant couldn’t see her grinning like an idiot at paperwork from the District Attorney’s office.

**Once a month, the Canary becomes difficult to live with. Moodiness generally passes within a day, but crabbiness can have lasting effects on a relationship with the Canary. Ignoring the Canary during said time is probably the best way to go. She’ll get over it.**

**The Canary lays claim to the left side of the bed, but is generous enough to cede her territory to either a worthy individual or if a strong argument can be made. Also, while ill, the Canary has a tendency to snore and is willing to wear a nose-strip to counteract any trouble the user has sleeping.**

**Note: this manual’s author is aware the user sleeps like the dead, so this may not be a problem.**

“Sad, but true,” Felicity said, turning the page.

#### Cleaning

**The duration of showers required by the Canary should not be remarked upon unless the user is planning to do something about it. Also, water temperature is set by the first person in the shower. You snooze, you lose.**

Well, that did it. Felicity picked up a pen and scratched out the last two sentences of that paragraph. “You are a human being, not a lobster,” she wrote underneath. “You should not be boiling yourself alive.”

For good measure, she went up a couple paragraphs into the previous section and scribbled, “And I know for a fact that when you’re alone, you sleep on the right side of the bed. This is just to satisfy your outrageous sleep-cuddling need. Underhanded, much?”

“Felicity?”

She jolted, nearly throwing the pen. Jas raised an eyebrow at her, but it was hardly the weirdest thing he’d seen her do, so whatever. “Just wanted to tell you that your eleven o’clock’s running late,” he said, and whisked himself off. “I’ll buzz you when they get here.”

Felicity pushed her palm against her forehead and grimaced to herself. Great way to not make it look like she’d been fooling around and flirting with her ADA girlfriend—which Jas knew about, she’d babbled enough that Laurel’s identity was no mystery to him—on the clock.

Quickly, she paged through the rest of the manual. Laurel had expanded on the cleaning section, adding a list of chores she preferred (apparently doing dishes would be Felicity’s domain as long as they dated), and had also a page-long list of suggestions for “Entertaining Your Canary Model” that contained more winking emoticons than most manuals.

The last page felt heavy, which made her frown until she flipped to it and discovered the key taped to the bottom of the page. Underneath it, the manual concluded: “Remember, the **key** to getting the most use out of your Canary model is open and honest communication! Also when all else fails: chocolates.”

Felicity wasn’t sure if she should laugh or groan, so she settled on both. After a quick glance at the video feed for the lobby to make sure her appointment hadn’t arrived, she grabbed her phone.

“You wrote me an entire user manual just to give me a key to your place?” she asked when Laurel picked up.

“Just sending one over seemed boring,” Laurel said when she’d stopped laughing. “Did you like it?”

“It’s a little strange, but I love it. Where are you? It sounds like you’re outside.”

“Getting lunch from the food trucks before I head over to the courthouse. I’m in court all afternoon, so I might be hard to reach,” Laurel said.

Felicity grinned and tapped her fingers on the loose pages. “There wasn’t anything about food trucks in the manual.”

“It’s not an exhaustive guide, merely a quick start manual. Besides, I thought it was universally understood that the Canary Model 2.2 adores food trucks. Even the weird ones. Take it up with the author, though.”

“I do have a few notes,” Felicity said, settling in.

“Yes?”

“I notice you didn’t include a warranty.”

“Excuse me?”

“Manuals typically have details on the warranty offered by the manufacturer, and this one has none. Shouldn’t she come with a warranty?”

“I think it’s more ‘you break it, you bought it,’ but I’d prefer if you didn’t break it,” Laurel said. “Given how attached to it I am, and just so you know, referring to myself in the gender-neutral form is very strange. Granted, with ‘you break it, you bought it,’ this could be a dangerous policy with Canaries, given our tendency to die.”

“Between the two of you, there have been four deaths and none of them stuck.” Felicity shook her head. “Some might argue that’s a feature, not a bug. Unlike this ‘the Canary does not do dishes’ thing.”

“Death and dishes, two totally equivalent things. Hold on a sec.” While Laurel ordered two gyros and a side of pita chips for lunch, Felicity busied herself with unsticking the key from the paper and sliding it onto her own key-ring. She’d asked for the key as an off-hand thing. Just so Laurel didn’t have to keep getting up to let her out in the morning, robbing her of sleep since Felicity kept longer work hours. She turned her key-ring over in her hand, just enjoying the weight of it. Laurel had given her a key with a little black and yellow bird painted on it because of course she had.

“I can be talked into doing the dishes, by the way,” Laurel said. “I’m not completely uncouth. I just don’t like doing it because the dishwater dries out my hands.”

“They make dishwashing gloves, you know.”

She could practically hear Laurel wrinkle her nose through the phone. “It can be negotiated.”

“Negotiated. You sound like such a lawyer right now.”

“Hazards of being me. Wait, was that not in the manual?”

“Talks like a lawyer?” Felicity said, pretending to shuffle through the pages. “Actually, not even mentioned. I wish it had been. Talk about a deal-breaker.”

“You think you’re cute.”

“That’s because I am.”

“One point I can’t argue against. Which, as a lawyer, it hurts me deep inside not being able to argue something,” Laurel said. “I’d better go, though. My food’s ready and I don’t want to chew in your ear. See you later?”

“See you then,” Felicity said. “Wait—why the user manual?”

“What?”

“You’re a lawyer. Why not a contract or something?”

“Because that’s a little too much like that really boring movie Thea made me watch, the one with what’s-his-face? Sixty Shades of Black or something. And it was Thea’s idea, by the way. She said, ‘she’s a geek, send her something geeky.’”

“I’d protest that, but I lost that battle years ago. I have a few notes. I’ll send them back to you.”

“I look forward to it. See you tonight? By the way, I left a section or two out of the manual.” Laurel’s voice dropped. “Those require a more hands-on experience.”

“Gah,” was all Felicity could think to say, and Laurel laughed wickedly before she hung up.

And of course, that was precisely the moment her 11 o’clock appointment chose to walk in. Jas brought in coffee and smirked, no doubt at how red in the face she’d grown.

Oh, she was definitely getting Laurel back for _that_.


End file.
